Rant of a idiot

I control myself every single day

Try to not think of you

Try not to look like I loser everyday

But with each passing day I lose myself more

I feel little with my heart

Or maybe I don't allow myself to feel

I control everyday

And yet everyday I lose

Finds myself looking at you again

For three years have past

And yet not one day when I didn't battle the thought of you

I see your picture every night

Just to convince myself you are fine

And now when you have finally forgotten about me

I am letting myself fee; again

For now I won't be able to hurt you again

I won't be the reason for your despair

For now you are happy

And I see your smile

I feel happy for you

But my eyes cry,my lips shiver at your name

All day now I don't allow myself to feel

Because I know I will feel you

I was not strong enough then nor I am now

If I allow myself to feel 

Even in my emotions you will come

To Anji: I know there is no chance now you will read my blog. I didn't write here because I didn't want to face you again after what I had done. I denied myself to feel any shred of emotion for the last past three years and yet whenever I felt weak I called to hear your voice. Look I don't know why I am writing this maybe I am weak write now and want to talk with you. But I feel glad you have forgotten about me, maybe not glad but I tried and all I could bring you was sadness. I loved you and it was out of bounds I was crazy and I know I still am when it comes about you. I realised when you were gone I couldn't  possibly be healthy for you. I was an asshole. I am so happy for you that you found happiness you deserved I hope so. In these 1000 days approx. time not one night went when I didn't think of you. You are still the last thought of my day and first thought in the morning. I so badly want to talk with you. But I won't because I won't intrude in your happiness anymore. I see from afar through the digital world sometimes on insta sometimes when you don't post I check on whatsapp. It takes my entire energy to not contact you.I want to call you tell you I still love with every shred of my body. I want to tell you I still miss you. The voice of you and the smiles are still as clear in my mind as it happened today. But pain is still afresh also and the way you said to me I was mistake. In one week it would again be the on 10th July The day you said yes to me. I still remember the time you made that tattoo on your arm with pen and told me about it in your voice. Maybe that's why I am emotional. It's a day you won't remember now I hope because every happy day was ruined by me. Now I am kinda certain you won't read this I hope not. But in case you do remember you are always loved by this idiot and will always be loved by this idiot whenever you feel low please remeber that. No matter we are not together I still feel you in my heart every day and there is one person who can neever stop loving you. I remember I told you I want to feel love and every emotion associated with it. It sucks feeling so much, sometimes I jsut want to shout in pain it sucks so much. The duality of it feeling happy and yet sad it sucks. I know kabhi by mistake if you open it. You will be angry you don't like reading big paragraphs. So ending it again by saying love you, love you more, love you most, love you mostest.