We love who we love

 Wonder  do I still love...

 Hoi, kaisa hai... yaad aa rahi thi. Want to hear your voice so badly

Just a idiot..

 Was missing you today a lot, I don't know why? May be miss is not the right word. I was remembering you today sahi rahega. Miss toh use karte joh ho, joh tha usko toh yaad kiya jata hai. I will write a hundred times I don't know why but I guess main toh tumhara bankar hi reh gaya. Kya karu, mann karta hai chilau tumhara naam. Maybe tum yaad karlo. You know  what I was thinking maybe I thinka hundred times a day agar yeh nahi hota toh ya woh naho hota toh, par I guess I jus couldn't help myself I submered myself in you way too much and way too early I guess. Ab bahar aa toh naho sakta. I fel there are parts of me that will always be yours. Maybe I felt I belonged to you. I didn't take any action to get you back, maybe because I neve I would have to get you back. Maybe I was too sure ki tum bhi mere hi ho. Maybe because I am lonely tabhi yahan baitha hoon tumhari yaadon ko haath mein liye. You know what happened I just didn't have any control over it I felt it was happening everything and I couldn't do anything. I got so scared I shut myself down. I dont' know maybe I didn't ty maybe you also feel that. But I tried , I tried everything and in the end of it all I was a person even I hated. After that I bottled up never show your emotions to anyone, never want to be free, never tell anyone how you feel, just keep a happy face on, smile maybe say a few jokes and keep myself hidden. I wonder why I so bad, by the end of it I knew Iwas bad. I was ready to do anyhing to keepyou but that wasn't correct. Nothing was correct, I still get flashbacks of us on bridge fighting, just fighitng, with you, with me and with everything. I was trying so hard to hold onto something that it just shattered. Maybe that was the reason I didn't come, I knew I would just forget myself in you, because I loved you that much I guess, I wanted to spend every second with you, I still do want to spend my time with you to be honest but I guess I am like that wax just gets lost in the flame, or the river that just disappear into the ocean. I guess its alright now, I love from afar, not seeing you, not hearing you, just like the water that looses its identity in the ocean, I guess I just ride along with you, somewhere lost. Its like the story of the moon and earth for me, Moon can't come to earth , it just spins around it for far but always longing, admiring for earth. Its lonely for me I know but I guess thats the best I could do. I dont know a lot about me and I have many maybes in my life. But I know for sure I love you still and  will love you...

bass..

 Bahut yaad aa rahi thi aaj, why felt so sad today I don't know but itna mann ka raha tha awaz sunne kaa. Itna mann kiya ek message kardu, but number ko whatsapp par dalke dekhta raha.  Itna kyun yaad aata hai mereko nahi samjh aaa. Itna toh dur ho gaya hon aur kya karu. Mereko pata hai u don't feel anything and I respect that, main hi pagal hoon bass. Its been more than 2 years since your last message par aaj laga ek message ayega pata nahi kyun. Aur kya karumain. 

Aisa bhi hota hai kisi ke liye khush bhi raho usse shikayat bhi ho. Par shikayat kisse. Joh hai hi nahi. 3 saal ho gyae fucking every night tumhaa chehra naa dekhu toh neend ab bhi nahi aati hai. Ab bhi kisi raat aankhon se yaad girti hai. Ab bhi subha kaa phela naam tumahara kyun aata hai dimag mein bina soche. Tumse baat band kar di itna dur ho gaya. Call karu toh tumhari 2 minute awaz sunkar hi kum sukoon milta. Kyun ab bhi. Bass khush ho tum sochkar khud ko rokh leta hoon. aki dubara tumare rone ki wajah naa banu. AUr kya karu bass khush tumhe dekhkar dur h jaa hoon. Mujhe pata hai tum bhul jaogi, maybe bass oh mera call hi tumhe meri yaad dilata hia. Woh bhi band ho jayega. Kyun bura bhi lagta hai ki bhul jaogi tum mujhe. Bass ek buri yaad banke reh jaunga main tumhare liye joh dheere dheere gayab ho chuki hai. 

Kash ek baar bulati tum bass yahi reh jayega par woh gam bhi mera hoga sirf, tumhe woh nii satayega.Pata nahi konsa word sahi likha hai konsa galat, konsa tum padne hi aaogi ab. Ab yeh jagah bhi bass meri yaad hai shayad. Chahta toh ain yahi tha naa ki khush ho jao tum mere bina bhul jao meri buri yaadien. Ab jab ho gya hai woh kun dard hota hai mujhko, kyu . Pata nahi tumhari yaadien hai bass aur unke saath mein. Kabhi kabhi mann karta hai cheeku chilau tumahara naam shayd tum yaad karlo. 

Chalo chalta hoon main, ab toh yeh blog hai tumari meri yaadon ki nishani aur main. Lagta hai iske saath sounga aaj kal aur roz jaise kar raha hoon 3 saal se. Kitna mann karta hai jab call karta hoon kabhi bolo tum rukh jao thodi aur baat karlo, par sach toh yahi hai aisa kabhi hoga naho aur shyad jab main karna band kar dunga tumara nahi aayea I know this, bura lagta hai but tum khush ho naa toh tab sahi hai..

Rant of a idiot

I control myself every single day

Try to not think of you

Try not to look like I loser everyday

But with each passing day I lose myself more

I feel little with my heart

Or maybe I don't allow myself to feel

I control everyday

And yet everyday I lose

Finds myself looking at you again

For three years have past

And yet not one day when I didn't battle the thought of you

I see your picture every night

Just to convince myself you are fine

And now when you have finally forgotten about me

I am letting myself fee; again

For now I won't be able to hurt you again

I won't be the reason for your despair

For now you are happy

And I see your smile

I feel happy for you

But my eyes cry,my lips shiver at your name

All day now I don't allow myself to feel

Because I know I will feel you

I was not strong enough then nor I am now

If I allow myself to feel 

Even in my emotions you will come

To Anji: I know there is no chance now you will read my blog. I didn't write here because I didn't want to face you again after what I had done. I denied myself to feel any shred of emotion for the last past three years and yet whenever I felt weak I called to hear your voice. Look I don't know why I am writing this maybe I am weak write now and want to talk with you. But I feel glad you have forgotten about me, maybe not glad but I tried and all I could bring you was sadness. I loved you and it was out of bounds I was crazy and I know I still am when it comes about you. I realised when you were gone I couldn't  possibly be healthy for you. I was an asshole. I am so happy for you that you found happiness you deserved I hope so. In these 1000 days approx. time not one night went when I didn't think of you. You are still the last thought of my day and first thought in the morning. I so badly want to talk with you. But I won't because I won't intrude in your happiness anymore. I see from afar through the digital world sometimes on insta sometimes when you don't post I check on whatsapp. It takes my entire energy to not contact you.I want to call you tell you I still love with every shred of my body. I want to tell you I still miss you. The voice of you and the smiles are still as clear in my mind as it happened today. But pain is still afresh also and the way you said to me I was mistake. In one week it would again be the on 10th July The day you said yes to me. I still remember the time you made that tattoo on your arm with pen and told me about it in your voice. Maybe that's why I am emotional. It's a day you won't remember now I hope because every happy day was ruined by me. Now I am kinda certain you won't read this I hope not. But in case you do remember you are always loved by this idiot and will always be loved by this idiot whenever you feel low please remeber that. No matter we are not together I still feel you in my heart every day and there is one person who can neever stop loving you. I remember I told you I want to feel love and every emotion associated with it. It sucks feeling so much, sometimes I jsut want to shout in pain it sucks so much. The duality of it feeling happy and yet sad it sucks. I know kabhi by mistake if you open it. You will be angry you don't like reading big paragraphs. So ending it again by saying love you, love you more, love you most, love you mostest.

Hoi, kaisa hia? I miss you a lot want to hear your voice so bad. Its been weeks haven't talked to you. I am doing something but all I can think about is you. I don't know why. I miss you a lot. I seriously do. Hope you are good and happy. Wish could have seen your face. Just wishing I guess. Don't know you will ever read this or not. I miss you a lot. I really do. BUt thinkkng you are happy gives me strenght to stay away from your life. I was the bad seed in your life na. Thinking you are happy keeps me going. I love you baba and miss you.

Happy Holi

Hi, Happy belated holi. Didn't wish you yesterday. Felt so bad and strange. I dot know how or why but was missing your the whole day.  I hope you had good time. I just want to listen to your voice. Can't talk to you because you dont want to talk. Just wishing you happy holi and be happy always as you are. Wish I could hug you.